Sunday, 27 May 2012

There's a hole in my bucket

OK, so this week, the Sarcaschicks have been talking about bucket lists. And it struck me,  that could be an interesting thing to blog about. This is kind of a thing - people in my youtube subscriptions say something interesting, I consider blogging about it, though then there's the issue of trying to say something they didn't. I know it's happened a couple of times with David Mitchell's Soapbox. Of course, on occasion it brings to mind further thoughts on a subject I was already considering blogging about. Though again, sometimes the thoughts are "What can I say other than just 'Watch this video'?"
You may think I'm digressing, but actually, not so much, because once I started thinking about bucket lists, I realised that it tied into something else I'd been considering blogging about but wasn't sure I had enough to say about. So let's go.

So, I started thinking about bucket lists, and what I would put on mind... and I had great difficulty thinking of anything. Which is kind of something I'd already been vaguely musing on for a couple of days - I don't know what I want. Come to think of it, I already wrote a whole blog post on that subject. But in this instance, it's kind of coming about in a different form.
OK, so in that older blog post I said how I can't easily pin down specifics of what I want once one gets beyond mundanities and trivialities. And I also covered how the opposite end of the spectrum is that I kind of want to do everything. And this is where I've been on and off for the past couple of weeks, doubting myself with regard to my intentions and desires - Is this really what I want? Or would I rather go for this? Really, do I just want both, and more? Am I just greedy like that? I've never really thought of greed as being a characterising sin for me (Probably going to blog about that some time...), but it did kind of seem to be a thing. On the other hand, I can counter myself there with - right now, I have none of these things. Perhaps it is not that I truly want all of them, but that I want any of them. And if I had one, I would be satisfied and no longer desire the others. But, maybe there might be one I'd prefer, and what if I pick the wrong one and screw everything up vis-a-vis the others? And still, do I really want this? Or is it just good enough? Would I be just settling? Am I too scared to break out of my comfort zone for something I might want more? Would I really be satisfied with this? Have my desires changed, and I haven't given it enough thought to realise, instead just going along with what I wanted before because it's already  established in my brain?
Round and round, all the doubts. I worry a lot sometimes.

Ironically, I've been starting to feel better about this lately so I don't feel it as strongly now I come to actually write about it - on the other hand, that probably allows me to write this more coherently. Also, feeling better is generally a good thing. I'm not doubting myself universally as much, though there are still some things where I just don't know my own mind.

You'll probably note that I'm being decidedly non-specific about what I'm actually talking about here. That's intentional. It's private. And also kind of multi-faceted. While I may have had these thoughts in  particular about one thing, the feelings apply equally to others. And the things in question, incidentally, may be actual things or they may be potential events in my life or whatever. This is one of the reasons I wasn't sure I could do this post - I didn't know how much I could actually say without getting into specifics, and I do not want to get into the specifics publicly on the internet.

Alright. Bucket list. What do I really want to make sure I get done at some point in my life? Thing is, mostly I don't mind that much. Not just about bucket lists or whatever, but in general. I'm very easy-going. I just want to enjoy my life. I would like to be driven, and have goals and stuff. Then I'd know what to do with my time, rather than just wasting it away aimlessly.
I guess I do kind of have goals. But for all that I kind of want to do everything, I've always had it set up in my head that I can't do them all at once. So I was like "OK, I'll get a job, and then I'll figure out the other stuff I want to do with my life once I'm set up nicely." Unfortunately, since getting a job wasn't one of the things I really wanted so much, I've never been really driven towards it as a goal, so I've never really gotten to my other potential goals, and my life just spiralled into aimlessness, with some socialising, internetting and G&S continuing just out of inertia.
OK, I guess doing all 13 G&S shows is on my bucket list. That's one specific thing. Other than that, though, I have a lot of things I'd like to do, but none that I'm really focussed on that I really must get it done or I will feel unfulfilled. If I fail to do any of the things I'd like to do, maybe. But I don't really mind which I do, and even if I don't do any, well, that probably means I found something better to do. It's just the aimless spiralling into lethargy and inactivity that's a problem.

Hm. Have I ever mentioned that sometimes I come to a much better understanding of my own feelings and opinions when I have to type them out, for a blog post or whatever? Because that is totally a thing, and it just happened with this. I do kind of think through my blog posts in advance of writing them, but often, as in this case, the process of writing them will cause the exact perfect-ish insight to just come to me and into the post goes something I absolutely never realised before about myself. THIS IS WHY I NEED TO BLOG MORE OFTEN. IT IS GOOD FOR ME. (Caps are to emphasise that for my benefit more than yours)

OK, so, again, bucket list. G&S I already said. I can say some general things which aren't really goals but still count maybe? I want to live in love - and I don't mean romance. Romance'd be awesome too, of course, but what I mean is, there's a lot of love in close-knit friend groups, and I feel I have that, and I want to maintain it. For all that I said my social life carried on mostly through inertia, it's also my best motivation. I want to decent job and stuff so I can have that comfortable life with those people. And one other thing I care more about getting done is a story I started writing for a friend - it bothers me less if I don't get round to my own writing for me, much as I like it, but I want to get back to that and finish it, because it's for her.
I guess things would become more significant as goals if I got a little bit into them - like the G&S thing is significant because I'm already way into it. But as it stands, there's not a lot in my bucket.

Things which could be in my bucket involve writing, both prose and music. Maybe making more of this blog? I dunno, it is still fine being just for me.
I still don't know what I want.
(I also don't know what labels to put on this post - a lot of things I mentioned, but the post isn't really about them... ah, who cares, who pays attention to the labels anyway?)

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